Ever since I can remember, I've been scared of dying. But, at the age of 7, I gave me life to Chris,t and I wholeheartedly know I will go to heaven. So, it's not the fear of what will happen to me. I remember laying in bed trying to go to sleep (probably around the 5th grade) and just became paralyzed with fear that engulfed me in blackness and tingling. I jumped out of bed and ran to my mom in her bed. I remember my vision, my fear, it was so vivid. It was more of a feeling than a picture or thought, though. The feeling was of being engulfed in foreverness with no beginning and no ending. Nothing in sight of what is to come, but just being that way FOREVER. That scared me...living in Heaven FOREVER with no end...there was no goal or future... just FOREVER. It turns my vision to darkness and makes me tremble and tingle all over...it engulfs me with fear...the fear of dying.
I am thankful to say that I no longer have that feeling to that degree. I do still have the fear of dying from the standpoint of not being here on earth to take care of my family. And as I write it, it is the fear of not being in control of making sure my family is taken care of, my girls taught, my husband loved and cherished. Which, the fear of not being in control is completely silly.
So in Crazy Love by Francis Chan, I read the quote, "People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else. Obsessed people care more about God's Kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress." I felt at the moment that I am too consumed with my personal safety. I always have been. I was raised with an awareness to be careful and to take all the precautions I possibly can to keep myself safe. I was fearful of getting hurt or much worse, dying. This fear carried on over into my adulthood. I realized I had this fear and lived my life out of fear, and knew that is not what God wants. He says in 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I have grown much through this verse to not live out of fear, but I am aware that I have much further to go.
Several months ago I began to ask myself whether I would truly die for Christ. And the answer was "no". I had envisioned that I would try my best to talk my way out of it or to say something that I really didn't mean to just save my life. It bothered me greatly that is what I envisioned, but I knew it was the truth that was within me. I don't truly believe that you can LOVE God with all your heart, soul, and mind and choose to not die for Him. I'm not saying that I didn't love God, but that there are many levels of love, and I had not made it to that level yet. I think when you love someone or believe in something to your core, then death would not even get in your way of vocalizing or expressing it. I think it is crazy that there are suicide bombers, but one thing they have that I long for is the love and sincerity towards their belief that they would even willingly die for it. I don't know that I truly know too many people that believe in something that strong.
I know my husband believes in God so strongly that He would willingly give His and die for the sake of Christ. And this really worried me and concerned me when we were first getting to know each other. But, now I understand and am honored to be married to such a God fearing man.
It just makes me laugh at how long it can take for the Holy Spirit to get through to us. This is not a new subject that I have came across, but one that I have thought about from time to time. I know this is just another step of love that I am taking towards Christ (Matthew 22:37-40). My goal and desire is to be so obsessed with Christ that I don't allow my personal safety, cares, or comfort to get in my way of doing His will in my life...of being obedient to Him. I want my life to focus on Christ, not on my well being. I will be watching my confessions and my daily tasks so that I can bring one more part of my life to my Love-Feast.
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